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Vampires and Gnomes Don't Mix: When Evil Fights Evil, No One Wins

Vampires and Gnomes Don't Mix:
When Evil Fights Evil, No One Wins

as recorded by Emily M.
edited for the web by Lionel W.

Sarah B.'s campaign the second, as played fall semester 2004 by
Jeanne H., Rachael H., Adam J., Emily M., and Amanda W.

Cast of Characters:

Cast of Characters:

  • Martiel/Marteriel: the sexually confused elven rogue, played by Adam
  • Arturus: the courageous human fighter, played by Jeanne
  • Austra: the quiet half-elf cleric, played by Amanda
  • Zephyr: the falchion-slashing human barbarian sorcerer, played by Emily
  • Levi: the nervous book-loving half-elf wizard, played by Rachael
Installment 1…and 1/2ish: August 27, 2004

Unfortunately the scribe apparently had a slow start to the year and only wrote down the character names. The vague summery of happenings was this: Four travelers appeared in a city in the middle of a commotion: two children, a boy twin and a girl twin, had disappeared from the local temple, along with a divinely-powered scepter of Pelor. Arturus, Austra, and Zephyr volunteer to look for the children, and they drag Martiel into it kicking and screaming and pulling her hat down over her ears. They are taken out of the village to the dark entrance in the ruins and caves of an underground dungeon. Down there they explore, fight undead and other beasties, see bloody remains of what could be kids, and begin to see a vampire history. They find the coffins of what appear to be a king, queen, and kid vampire, and Martiel takes the king's crown and scepter. Martiel later foolishly tries to do acrobatical feats in the vicinity of a well, down which she looses the crown, scepter, most/all of her worldly possessions (this is hotly debated by Adam and the DM), and nearly herself. They later fight a vampire…

Installment 2: September 23, 2004
"I'll die by bad carpentry or unsturdy party members." - Adam

Martiel valiantly sacrifices her beloved hat by lighting it on fire and shooting it into the vampire, killing it. She and Arturus argue over the old beat-up vampire's hat while Zephyr detects some kind of magic below. The group learns that the vampire Blood Wars ended 300 years ago after going on for 250 years. They ended in a draw in which the vampires withdrew. Arturus eventually claims the hat and puts it on - a leather pouch containing 150 gp drops on his head. It appears that the hat is activated by the phrase 99 pieces of gold and a silver piece - now a dead frog appears. They cross the river and go through doors and hallways. A drow and her displacer beast are encountered, and a dagger comes out of Art's hat. Zephyr gets hit by the displacer beast, and the drow hits Art. Having no light, the group decides to withdraw. They return back to the city and head for the temple of Pelor, where they learn that the artifact they are looking for is a scepter with a wooden handle topped by a ruby set between golden wings with silver tips. The two children are 14 with brown hair and eyes. While in town, Marty gets drunk and gains a doily cap. The group is joined by Levi the wizard. Back in the dungeon they read this riddle written in blood:

  • Common Theme for death is silence
  • a coldness in the air
  • the whisper of the winter wind
  • is but the immortal language of which they share.
  • A trespasser in their midst
  • A linguist who wishes to speak their tongue
  • to raise their voices to the world once more
  • to share forgotten glories
  • silence is not empty but full of whispers of the past
  • cries from the earth of blood which now lays still.
  • Speak on, oh silence, there are still those who seek your voice.
Installment 3: September 25, 2004

The walls are oozing slime, and a clinking approaches the party. A chain devil comes around the corner, and battle ensues. Zephyr gets confused and thinks that it is her dead father. The group figures out that they can't defeat it and retreat. After resting, they return to the drow's door and fight her and the displacer beastie. They find a magical dagger and scimitar as well as a giant ruby in a black box. On the ruby is a hand grasping arrows - Hextor's symbol, the god of evil and destruction. In the closets they find a ring of protection +2, a rod of splendor, 10,000 gp, a carpet, a +2 keen longsword with an ornate golden hilt and Pelor's crest, bolts of silk, a stepladder, and a broken spinning wheel.

Installment 4: October 14, 2004

The flying carpet is 4ft by 5ft and is activated by the command "go." The weapons and other stuff are divided up: Martiel takes the ruby and dagger, Zephyr takes the scimitar, Arturus takes the longsword, Levi takes the ring of protection, and Austra takes the rod of splendor. They walk a bit and find a large black obsidian marble. Art shoves Marty into it. Zephyr goes through onto the grass, and the three of them find a building - the greenhouse from the Garden of Eden. Entering from another side takes the travelers to a place where they're flying in gel stuff with Pegasus horses. Another is a tropical forest with dinosaurs. Yet another is an obelisk in a small town. A fifth is a cave in low cliffs near a village. The sixth is a boat with a rough crew, while the seventh is complete emptiness and the eighth is a big house. They go in through the cave and enter the druid village, finding five dead druids. The adventurers hear of Cheery, Donaman, Eldora, and Lil and are sent off on the same mission that they were - bandits have been attacking the village. They rush in and fight two humans, a drow, a dwarf, and a Halfling and kill all except one human, who runs into the cave. The five follow until they come upon a cavern containing - ack - a hydra with five heads. Martiel (flying on the carpet with Levi) becomes male; there is confusion. The hydra finally dies.

Installment 5: October 28, 2004

Marteriel tells us that he is cursed and changes sex every full moon (and is very confused and unable to figure out which sex is his/her original one). They hydra is inspected, and Zephyr stabs it some more for good measure. They make their way up the other fork after they are unable to find any way out this way. Marty sneaks ahead and finds a secret door. Levi falls splendidly, and everyone walks past the secret door into another cavern. There is howling…four howlers come out, and there is fighting. They die. Levi is unconscious, and Zephyr has three quills in her. The party exits the cave and spends the night in the woods. Marty sneaks back to the cave and kills a guard by sneak attack. Levi opens the secret door with magic. Inside is a large storage room with lots of shelves. Arty uses his hat again - this time out pops a rubber duck. Cool stuff is gotten from the store room…anything they ask for is given to them. After receiving many parcels of spiffy new weapons and magical items, they go down into the cavern. Marty sneaks ahead and listens…Wick and Candle and Vashmir and Anthony and Herm…a drow fights Herm, and Herm dies. A gnome walks away, leaving the drow alone. As the adventurers go by, the drow sees and attacks. Marty kills him before any further information can be extracted from him…grr.

Installment 6: November 11, 2004

Marty once again scouts ahead, creeping up to see a "crapload" of people - 6,000, some breed of troll ordering around common soldiers, ogres, undead, mastodons. There is a castle across a chasm. On the bridge are three vampires. After Marty's report, they hear footsteps and leave. Marty hides and sees two find the dead bodies. They go back to the druid town, where they hear that a passing traveler reported seeing a huge group of people 20 miles north of the village 3,000 strong. The druid leader faints upon hearing of the group's findings of another 6,000 (plus 3 vampires). The group goes to investigate the 3,000. Marty flies up on the carpet and hears a shout and then three voices - guards. He tries to get past them but gets shot and flies back. The group unwisely decides to attempt approaching in the daytime - the guards shoot arrows at the five. The same thing happens further north. Arturus tries to talk to one of them and gets stabbed in the gut for his pains. Another one comes up to Austra. They reveal that they want to kick King Menalik's ass before dragging Austra to the encampment. Marty, Zephyr, and Levi rescue Arty and discover that Austra is tied to a stake with firewood underneath. While everyone is distracted by a light on the other side of the camp, Zephyr rescues Austra from the disorganized rubble of a camp. They go to see the light - a single man is at the center with light (air glowing matter) around him. He's a human druid with a brown leather suit, wolfskin, and gems on his belt. He is giving a pep talk of sorts. A woman appears behind him and tries to stab him; he blocks her and they fight. She shrieks, her dagger becomes a longsword, and she vanishes. Those immediately around them are dead. Speech: "…kills friends, has no loyalty or honor, he allows our leaders to be killed like commoners, and now this…try to replace me…tomorrow we march on the castle."

Freaked out, the five return to the druid village. They are shown a picture in a book of a man and a woman - the man is the lawful evil god Hextor in human form, while the woman is the chaotic evil Erythnul. The two evils are fighting amongst themselves. It is possible to kill a god in human form - they are displaced, and the person who kills them becomes the next god. Another traveling group killed Hextor's group's leaders. The note from the magic closet has divine handwriting. The neutral evil are leaving.

Installment 7: December 2, 2004

A seventh level paladin named Hester follows Arty. They go back to the cave and find that the army is gone - they are fighting each other elsewhere. Arty steps in mastodon poop. The giant black obsidian marble thing is here, guarded by centaurs. Marty almost dies, but the group succeeds in killing them. After throwing the bodies in the moat, they go across the drawbridge and inside the ornate doors, where they fight and kill the guards. This is the castle of King Menalik. They enter a library, and Levi finds a cool history book (Levi is a bibliophile) and a door. Marty finds some papers - General Anthony Altros (druid), Col. Bevet Wishler (fighter-paladin), Sgt. Eric Englade (sorcerer), Sgt. Vanessa Shinter (sorceress), Wick Vandress (divine agent), Aston (rogue), Victoria (wizard), Wilith (fighter). Through another door and down some stairs they hear a voice - in a cell there in the unconscious figure of a human boy. He is dead. Also in the cells are the old characters Donaman, Lil, Cheery, and…Ourika. Mass chaos ensues as old characters meet new, filled with the blustering and arguing that plagues such campaigns. It is learned that the scepter would make the vampires lose power - this is why they took it. It is located upstairs, which is where the now large group of adventures head after copious amounts of arguing. Doors open to a bedroom and a study. They find envelopes to Wick and to Anthony - the latter changes to the adventurer's names, a contingency of such papers. Continuing on down the hallway, Marty finds a secret door in the wall. It opens to the name Hextor. Through the passage is another door, through which is a pedestal on which is a glass case containing a necklace and the scepter. The necklace is a fireball necklace…all groan. The case has an alarm that triggers mind-altering spells and water. Hester is sent in because of his fire-proof armor. Fire…then water…then mind spells. This results in water ballet! The scepter is obtained - it is the shape of a bird with two wings. A door appears.

Installment 8: December 15, 2004

All of the characters go up the stairs behind the new door. Hester opens a door on the left (eagle) and gets shocked. They find a doll in a coffin. The door on the right (panther) has a smaller coffin, empty except for a pillow. Hester is shocked again opening the center door, and inside are the vampires. Everyone fights the three, and Arty dies valiantly. Finally all three vampires are killed. In a mirrored box the scene of a battle is happening. The building starts to crack, and all run out. Arty turns into a centaur, and the Cheery-Donaman-Lil-Ourika group leaves. The centaur hits Marty with hooves, accidentally killing him. He is resurrected as a human. They all take the scepter back to the city, and there are five days of feasting and partying.

The End

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